---
title:

10 failed startups from the world of The Lord of the Rings

date: 2026-01-21
tags: [#llm ]
draft: false
---

10 failed startups from the world of “The Lord of the Rings” and why they failed.

  1. PalantírTok — a social network powered by palantíri Why it failed:

    • Bad UX: the palantír shows what it wants to show (often Sauron), not what the user asked for.
    • Reputation damage: constant scandals about “they’re watching me through the orb”.
    • Toxic monetization: “premium visions of the future” quickly turned into panic attacks.

  2. OrcDash — food delivery “fast and furious” Why it failed:

    • Unpredictable logistics: orc couriers regularly “ate the order on the way”.
    • Zero SLA: “we tried” was the official tracking status.
    • Brand safety: partners didn’t want their kitchen associated with Mordor.

  3. MithrilPay — a payment platform “as reliable as mithril” Why it failed:

    • Impossible KYC: half the customers had no documents, the other half had no name (“Strider”).
    • Fraud: dwarves took fees as a personal insult and started “axe-based disputes”.
    • Regulation: the White Council demanded “transparency”, which broke the whole “secret blockchain”.

  4. EntOS — a “green” operating system by ents Why it failed:

    • Releases took too long: “we’ll discuss it… in a couple of seasons”.
    • Weak compatibility: EntOS refused to support “fast processes” on philosophical grounds.
    • No growth: ents don’t like scaling—there’s already enough forest.

  5. HobbiFit — a fitness app for hobbits Why it failed:

    • Product–market fit miss: the target audience prefers second breakfast to interval training.
    • Retention drops after 11:00 (snack time).
    • The core metric “steps to the pantry” doesn’t sell well to advertisers.

  6. Nazgûl Rides — ridesharing on winged beasts Why it failed:

    • Unit economics: feed, chains, screaming—COGS goes to the moon.
    • Safety: passengers wouldn’t sign liability waivers for “sudden screams of terror”.
    • PR: “drivers in black cloaks” isn’t what the market wants.

  7. OneRing Auth — single sign-on “to rule them all” Why it failed:

    • Single point of failure: lose the ring—lose everything.
    • Account takeover by Sauron: “suspicious logins from Barad-dûr” every night.
    • Ethical crisis: the product literally amplifies the Dark Lord’s power—investors bailed.

  8. ShireBnB — renting cozy hobbit-holes to tourists Why it failed:

    • Conflict with locals: hobbits hate noisy guests, especially after the ninth toast.
    • Seasonality misread: “Harvest Festival” overloaded the entire inventory.
    • Risk management: dragon raids weren’t covered by insurance.

  9. DwarfMine Cloud — “cloud” storage in mines Why it failed:

    • Availability: tunnels collapse, routes change, navigation is “by memory”.
    • Security: too many “small doors” (literally) and too many curious dwarf sysadmins.
    • Vendor lock-in: “pay the ransom or you won’t get your data back” was normal practice.

  10. EagleExpress — ultra-fast delivery “by eagles” Why it failed:

    • Unacceptable cost: eagles are premium transport, not couriers.
    • Partner risk: eagles kept refusing to “fly there” on principle.
    • The eternal customer question: “why not just deliver by eagles right away?” destroyed any routing and pricing strategy.